WHAT COLOR IS YOUR PARANOIA?

Find out from America's Most Paranoid Personality -- David Samson!

Funny Guy is convinced his phone has been tapped by the Albanian Secret Service (A.S.S.). He's also sure that leprechauns have planted nuclear weapons in his gym bag. Don't laugh. You've got enemies too! Maybe it's your carpet cleaner, maybe it's your podiatrist. But don't worry -- Funny Guy will tell you exactly how to uncover them, even if they're hiding under your '62 Chevy!

David Samson will point out why the same person who killed JFK and Marilyn Monroe also probably taught you the accordion. He deals with the threat of Swedish midgets invading your home. What's more, Funny Guy confirms your deepest suspicions -- you are being mocked by woodchucks. And if all that's not enough to make you paranoid, this will...

• How to know if Teamsters are mooning you
  
  
• Odds your hairdresser is a Nazi war criminal
  
  
• Why playing the ukulele causes cancer
  
  
• Where dyslexic terrorists will strike on 11/9
  
  
• The reason lumberjacks are swiping your anchovies
  
  
• Plus the likelihood of Janet Reno appearing in your shower
  
  

Paranoia is much more than just fear, it's a whole way of life. Have you ever had the feeling that raw fish are whispering behind you back? Do you cross the street whenever a plumber is coming your way? Has there ever been a time when you were certain of being persecuted by Greek waiters?

Well, you're not alone. David Samson feels your pain -- which is why he's on massive doses of Novocaine! Are you terrified of...

• The risk of being bitten by folk singers?

• Waking up with frog's legs?

• Accountants jumping from air vents?

• Being sentenced to death in traffic court?

• Someone slipping a screenplay under your toupee?

• Encountering a large zucchini that can write poetry?

If you're not scared, you should be! Pay attention as Funny Guy spells out how to dwarf-proof your home. The link between boxer shorts and UFO abduction. Tips for electrifying the fence around your Jacuzzi. Plus how to positively know if your in-laws are manipulating pork futures.

Don't forget. David Samson knows there's only one thing worse than having someone out to get you -- and that's having NO ONE out to get you! Don't wait another minute. Get with his Paranoid Program today -- before your enemies do!